How I Found Peace in Parenting After Loss

If you’ve been following my blog for some time, you know that before my husband and I welcomed our son we dealt with the loss of a daughter. It was a horrible tragedy to experience. I over time I dealt with the loss, learned many lessons, and came to grips with the reality that was ours.

Now, I’m well into motherhood with a toddler boy that is super energetic, handsome, and smarter than I could have ever imagined. While he is the light of my life here on earth, there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of our daughter and the little girl she would have been now. In all honesty, she equally holds a piece of my heart as a child that I brought into this world.

I know so many women have had miscarriages, still births, and other experiences around losing babies, and I want to share my story to let you know that you can find peace after such a traumatic experience. You may be going through the anxiety of pregnancy after loss or dealing with the mixed feelings of missing a child while at the same time feeling joy for the one you can hold. You may be in an emotional state that could make it seem so hard to fathom, but there are ways to find a place of comfort when you are parenting after trauma. Here are a few ways I found peace in parenting after loss.

4 ways i found peace in parenting after loss.

Cherish memories and make new ones.
Whether you were pregnant with a baby you lost for 4 weeks, 8 weeks, or 24 weeks, you carried a life. You instantly loved that baby from the time you knew he or she was growing in your belly, and you are their mother and always will be. Hold on to those memories while also living in the moment. If you’re dealing with a pregnancy after a loss, love on the baby in your womb now! That baby is just as deserving of the same nurturing. If you’re parenting after loss, pay attention to every second of every day that you have to spend with your little one. If you’re dealing with an infant or toddler you’ll probably be sleep deprived, have moments of frustration, and just be dog tired, but enjoy it! These days don’t last forever, nor are they promised. Hold onto the memories of the past and make the most of the time you have every single day.
Remember a piece of the baby you lost exists in the child you have now.
There are days even now when I look at my son and I literally see my daughter’s face. They look just alike. I have moments when I get sad because I can’t help but wonder what kind of personality my daughter would have had and what kind of relationship the both of them would have had as siblings. There are also moments when I’m just filled with such joy in knowing that because my son is here, my daughter is here too. Both of your babies are connected not just on a cellular DNA level, but they are connected beyond space and time because of you!
Teach your child about the sibling that came before him/her.
Though our daughter has passed on, she is still very much a part of our lives. It’s important for us to always remember her and make sure her brother knows about her. We remember her on her birthday, during the holidays, and have pictures of her throughout our home. We always show our son pictures of his sister and say her name. This has especially given me peace in parenting after loss because these are the moments where I am able to create memories around both my son and my daughter.
Try to Find Ways to Be Grateful
When you’ve gone through an experience as traumatic as losing a child, it’s understandable that the loss in and of itself would be the focus of everything in your world. You’re constantly reminded of the pregnancy that ended prematurely, or the sudden infant death that happened without warning. It can become a serious source of grief, anxiety, and depression. First, of course, you should deal with your mental wellness using the methods that are best for you such as seeing a therapist, meditating, praying, etc. Finding gratefulness in what you do have in the gift of a new baby is also therapeutic. Once I stopped solely focusing only on the fact that I lost a baby, and acknowledged the fact that I was blessed with yet another one to love, cherish, and make memories with I saw life from a different lens.

To be totally transparent, the hurt of losing a child never goes away. How could it? You’ve lost the true love of your life, a creation of your own, your baby! When you enter the ambiguous space of parenting another child after you’ve lost one you’ll have feelings of joy for amidst feelings of guilt. You’ll also have feelings of sadness alongside feelings of relief. At the end of the day, you’re a mother to the baby you had to tell goodbye and the one that you got to keep and hold. Give yourself both the permission and the grace to enjoy the gifts you’ve been given. Be gentle with yourself, mama.

If you’re struggling with loss, pregnancy after loss, or parenting after loss I’ve been there and know how you feel. It often feels like you’re in it all alone, but the truth is you’re not. Feel free to DM me on Instagram and ask me anything about my experience. Parenting after loss is a tough road to travel but the journey doesn’t have to be taken alone!